Lose the Name of Action
by senbotsu
Summary: Before heading off for college, Aburatsubo finally gives up on Takeo and on life. --UPDATE: FINISHED--
1. chapter one: o, most wicked speed

_Disclaimer_: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.   
  
_"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,   
And thus the native hue of resolution   
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,   
And enterprises of great pitch and moment   
With this regard their currents turn awry   
And lose the name of action."_   
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"   
  
**Lose the Name of Action**   
**chapter one: "o, most wicked speed"**   
  
Wednesday--   
School's coming to an end. Nanaka and I are both very excited and sad at the same time. We're happy that we will be juniors next year. I cannot wait! Finally, an upperclassman! Me! I will get to go to all of the dancers that I was unable to go to this past year. Oh, and school will be so much more fun! All of my new classes are subjects I love. I cannot wait!   
  
School ending means Takakura and Mr. Aburatsubo are leaving for college. I'm so excited for both of them! Takakura was excepted by a very famous magic school in London. London! That's so very far away from our school. (Maybe he will see Miki?) And Mr. Aburatsubo got enrolled in a theater school in America. Gosh, both of those places are so far away!   
  
I'll miss both of them, especially Takakura. He's helped me with my magic so much this year! I've gotten so much better, all thanks to him. He's always been so nice to me.   
  
I'm glad he got into such a good school.   
  
And Nanaka is so proud of Mr. Aburatsubo. It seems she has gotten over her shyness and is talking to him more and more. (He seems so sad lately, I hope Nanaka can find some way to cheer him up. He hasn't been saying much in Club, I wonder if he's nervous about leaving? That must be it! He's just nervous!) They would make such a cute couple. I'm so happy for both of them. I hope Mr. Aburatsubo comes back here during breaks so Nanaka can see him.   
  
I can't think of anything else to say. Akane is coming to Club more and more, I'm so happy! She's so good at magic! I'm envious at times. I wonder if she likes magic more than her photo shoots now? Wouldn't that be great?   
  
Oh, I just remembered. Takakura is having a party for all the people in the Magic Club. A "farewell" party, I guess. Everyone is looking forward to it! Akane said she'd even come! I've put two notes between Nanaka and I in here, to help me remember preparing for the party. Journals are supposed to be like this, right? I am able to put things into it and not just write, right? (I hope so.) _  
  
Sae--   
I can't wait for this class to be over with, our teacher is so dull! How can he continue to show these old and boring movies? He still uses films on projectors. When is he going to wake up and join the rest of the world in new technology? I don't care about the history of grain… What are you going to wear to Takakura's party? I don't have anything that I want to wear, let's go shopping after school. (And maybe Aikawa will come with us. She always picks out cute outfits.) This'll be the last time we see Takakura and Aburatsubo before they go off to college so I want to look my best. Do you think Aburatsubo will even be there? He's been so sad lately; I've been worrying about him. Do you think he's sad about leaving Club? I know I wouldn't be, it hasn't been much of a club, and Takakura was not the best president. (I know you think otherwise.) I'll miss Aburatsubo, that's for sure, but I don't know about Takakura. (You'll miss him, won't you Sae?) Aikawa hardly knows Takakura and Aburatsubo and she's probably too busy with a photo shoot to really worry about it. (Do you think she'll even come to the party?) I can't wait for it, though. It's strange that I'm actually excited about it! I want to wish Aburatsubo "good luck" before he leaves.   
Nanaka.   
  
Nanaka--   
Sure, I'll go shopping. It'll be fun! Akane told me she is going. I talked to her between classes and she wants to go shopping too. It'll be so much fun! (I'll make sure we pick out a cute outfit for you to wear!) I'm so happy that you're excited about the party! I am too! I'll miss both Takakura and Mr. Aburatsubo. I hope they have fun in college. I should go, the teacher is coming around.   
Sae._   
  
Shopping was so much fun! Nanaka and Akane both have really cute outfits! Mine is cute too, I hope Takakura will like it. I asked the two of them if they wanted to make snacks to bring. They both said yes! Only this time we swore not to use magic to make more cakes! (That day was so much fun, even if the magic went wrong and the cake exploded everywhere!) I'll make sure to cook my best snacks for everyone and I'll try not to mess anything up!   
  
I can't think of anything else to say. The party is Thursday (Tomorrow!), after school. I can't wait!   
  
_Comments_: Yes, this story will end up being about Aburatsubo. This was just an introduction. (And I apologize for the one paragraph notes. But do you honestly think either Nanaka or Sae would make sure their notes are grammatically correct? :D;;) 


	2. chapter two: too, too sullied flesh

_Disclaimer_: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.   
  
_"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,   
And thus the native hue of resolution   
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,   
And enterprises of great pitch and moment   
With this regard their currents turn awry   
And lose the name of action."_   
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"   
  
**Lose the Name of Action**   
**chapter two: "too, too sullied flesh"**   
  
It's becoming more and more of a chore to get up in the morning. With the beginning of each new day, I get up a few minutes later. And even after those few minutes that I allow myself to sleep through my time allotted to prepare myself for the day, it's still hard to drag myself out of bed. Lately, my mother has had to physically pull my body from my bed and push me into the bathroom. I always feel so worthless after she does that. The entire day is ruined when my mother "gets me out of bed".   
  
All I want is some time to think. Just some time to forget my problems.   
  
I heard the violent beeping of my alarm clock. With much trouble, I lifted my head up to check the time. 6:49. It gave me about five minutes to shower. Not enough time at all. So I would be late for school, what did it matter?   
  
I made my hand into a fist and smashed it down on the snooze button. I heard something crack. I had probably broken it. Oh well.   
  
"Aya! Time to get up!"   
  
The sound of my mother's voice made my entire body freeze. After getting over the initial shock, I buried myself further under the covers of my bed, hoping that she would pass the room by with nothing more than a glance. Please don't come in, Mother. Let me sleep through these last few days of school. Please. If you love me, you'll let me.   
  
"Time to get up, sleepy head!"   
  
I felt the covers being yanked off my body. With a groan, I opened one eye and found my mother's face an inch away from my own. Her bright, smiling face made my stomach twist into a knot. How could everyone else in my life be happy except me? How was it possible? Why had I been the one chosen to fall into a state of depression?   
  
"Mother…"   
  
"Up, up, up! Time for school, Aya!"   
  
I felt her hand grab a hold of my arm. Not again.   
  
Most pernicious woman.   
  
"Aya, are you getting sick? Do I need to take your temperature?" My mother asked as she lifted me up under the arms and pulled me out of my bed. My heels hit the ground with a loud "thunk" and a sharp pain jolted up my legs. It was enough of a shock to help me regain control of my body. I put both of my feet down and lifted myself up. "Oh! Feeling better, Aya? Well, get ready for school. I'm leaving for work. I'll see you when I get back!"   
  
She gave me a large hug and a sloppy kiss. With that goodbye, she left me to my empty room.   
  
"Mother, why don't you help me? Can't you see that I need it?" I mumbled as I gathered up my school uniform from the floor. It was as wrinkled as a widow's handkerchief, but I didn't mind it. I then stumbled into the bathroom, dropped my clothes, and turned on the hot water. "I should just stay home. Stay home today and for the rest of the week, Aya. No one would care, no one ever does."   
  
It was the truth. Takeo hardly saw me as a friend anymore. My constant come-ones had finally pushed too many buttons. He has had enough of me, I can tell. We hardly speak. It hurts to look at him. Every time I do, I remember how much I want to be with him. I remember when we used to be best friends and how he would just simply laugh and brush off my crazy tactics of love.   
  
I'll miss him so much. His goofy smile, his clumsiness, and his shyness towards every girl he talks to. I'll even miss the vacant expression he always got on his face when he was daydreaming.   
  
"Takeo, why must you lave me?" I whisper as I strip myself of my pajamas and step into the shower. I instantly feel the burning water on my back. It stung. It was the physical form of what I felt when Takeo would brush me off for Sawanoguchi. My back had turned a shade of red that could rival that of my hair. I simply sighed and stood underneath the water. I stood there and thought of Takeo. I just wanted him. I just wanted him to care about me again. That's all. A smile or a hug. That's all, Takeo. Don't leave for school. Stay here and be with me.   
  
After a few moments, I realized that I was doing nothing but standing and letting the hot water hit me. Reluctantly, I grabbed the soap and began to wash myself. What would Takeo think about while he was in the shower? Sawanoguchi? Most likely. It seemed that that underclassman was the only thought Takeo could manage. I grabbed the shampoo and began to lather my hair. How do you feel, Takeo Takakura? You left your best friend for a clumsy, air headed, girl two years younger than yourself!   
  
I stood under the water and let all of the soap and shampoo run slowly off of my body. I watched sadly as the white foam swirled and disappeared into the drain. It was a metaphor for my happiness. Beforehand, I was caught in the whirlwind of lust, anything else about the world unbeknownst to me. I didn't see that Takeo found me as a bother. I didn't see that Sawanoguchi was the apple of his eye. It wasn't until I hit the drain that I came crashing into reality. Takeo didn't care. Takeo never cared. He just wasn't bold enough to show it. Throughout the year, his rejections became harsher and harsher. "Aya… No." "Aburatsubo, stop!" "Will you just leave me alone?" It was a gradual crescendo of the latter.   
  
"Oh, Takeo..."   
  
After the soap was absent from my body, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist. The mirror was too fogged for me to see my reflection so, instead, I grabbed my uniform and headed into my mother's room and then into her bathroom. My reflection surprised me. Instead of the handsome, well-groomed Aburatsubo that everyone at school new with his beautifully long maroon hair and his cat-like green eyes and his slim, athletic figure, I saw the Aburatsubo that had been demanding to be let loose for quite some time: messy hair that had lost its shine, worn and slightly bloodshot eyes with small bags underneath, a slightly burned back from the water, and over just a senseless waste of human life.   
  
"What has happened to me…?" I asked to my reflection. I could only imagine the answer.   
  
"Isn't it rather obvious? You feel in love with your best friend and know you're mourning the fact that you will never be with him and you are having a hard time finding someone else to take his place. My, my, my, what a tangled web we weave. You, Mr. Popular, as good-looking as you are, can't find himself a partner! Any one in that crazed fan club would sell their soul to Lucifer himself to spend the night with you. Pitiful, Aya. Absolutely pitiful."   
  
"You forgot worthless…" I replied to my reflection.   
  
Giving up on my appearance, I grabbed my uniform and slowly made my way into the kitchen. The clock on the oven read 7:13. School started in seventeen minutes. I didn't care. I didn't care how worn and ugly I would look with my wrinkled clothes, blood-shot eyes and messy hair. I would let my classmates think whatever they wanted to as I would stumble, late, into my first class looking like I had been rode hard and put up wet.   
  
I mused with the idea of breakfast for a while and finally gave into my stomach. I popped a few pieces of bread into the toaster and stood there. Just waiting for it to cook. Waiting for it to burn. Another thing to ruin. I was getting better at it.   
  
As I waited, I heard the doorbell ring. Who wanted to see me? Who wanted to see Aburatsubo mourning over his unreturned love and lost happiness?   
  
I walked through the kitchen and to the front door. The doorbell was becoming more and more frantic, the tempo increasing by the second. Someone was anxious to see me. I unlocked the door and slowly opened it. And my heart skipped a beat.   
  
It was Takeo.   
  
"T-Takeo…" I stammered as I felt the blood drain from my face.   
  
"Aburatsubo! You're not dressed yet? We're going to be late!" He stepped inside and shut the door. I couldn't respond, I was completely stunned. It was true, Takeo and I sued to walk to school together every day but we hadn't done it for about a month. I though he had forgotten about it entirely. I always remembered the simple pleasure I would receive from just being near him.   
  
"Late for what?" My mouth had not caught up with my brain.   
  
"School! We have a few days left until we're free!" He pushed past me. "Don't you want to get these days over with? I cannot wait. I've wanted this moment to come as soon as I stepped foot in our school."   
  
Why, so you could finally take leave of me?   
  
"But what about Sawanoguchi?" I asked softly. I glanced up at him. A small blush had formed on his cheeks.   
  
"Well… Sawanoguchi is going to be an upperclassman next year and I thought that it would be nice if I were to--you know--take her out to a lunch during the summer. If she agrees to it, I mean, if she does say yes, then I plan to take her…"   
  
For once, I didn't listen to his babbling. His heart was still for Sae. There would never be a way to change it. He would never fell any adoration fro me. No matter how much I hoped, he would always think of me as an annoyance.   
  
"Takeo, will you please tell all of our teachers that I will be late for school today?" I had followed him into the kitchen and had sat down in a chair. I folded my hands in my lap and stared down at them. I wouldn't look up at my failure. I couldn't make my own best friend fall in love with me. "I'm not feeling well, I don't think I'll make it to our first class. I don't know if I feel well enough to go to school today…"   
  
Or ever again.   
  
"You look fine to me. A bit on the naked side…" He pulled up a chair and sat across from me. I slowly looked up and met his eyes.   
  
"I'm not fine, Takeo." I'm in love with you and you have brushed me off like a fly. I cannot make myself feel this way about anyone else. I don't want to. I've tried with Nakatomi. She really is a sweet girl but I'm only drawn to you. Understand me, Takeo. "I've been feeling sick all week. I shouldn't go."   
  
Tell me you want me there. Please.   
  
"Do you want m to tell them you'll be gone for the first class?"   
  
"No, that I will be gone for the day."   
  
"All right. Are you still coming to the party?"   
  
"Yes…"   
  
No.   
  
"Well, see you then."   
  
I should've jumped up and stopped him, told him exactly what was on my mind. Maybe then he would've understood. Maybe then he could've helped me. Maybe then he would've cared.   
  
But I didn't. I let him walk out of my house and shut the door without saying a word.   
  
Goodbye, Takeo. If only I could tell you how much I love you.   
  
Maybe I could get one last kiss…   
  
I stood up and stumbled out of my chair and threw open the door. Takeo was already on the sidewalk. I had only a few seconds. I ran towards him and collided into him, causing the both of us to fall down.   
  
"A-Aburatsubo! What are you doing?" Takeo tried to get out from underneath me but I held him down. I was straddling his lower waist and holding his wrists above his head as I stared down at him. "I have to get to school, I don't want to be late!"   
  
You care more about your ability to be on time then the emotional state of your friend?   
  
"Takeo, before we both leave to go our separate ways, let me have one last kiss." I felt the beginnings of tears in my eyes.   
  
"No! Get off me, Aburatsubo!" He twisted and turned underneath me. Watching him struggle made every part of my body ache. Why couldn't he let me have just this one last pleasure? This goodbye? I felt him stop moving. He must've seen the tears in my eyes. I waited for the harsh words to come. I waited for the rejection that I had received every other time. "Just… One more…?"   
  
"Yes." I choked out. I couldn't look at him or else I would beginning sobbing and never would be able to stop. He was taunting me, rubbing in the fact that I, with my looks, intelligence, acting ability, talent for sports, and personality, couldn't make anyone care about me for who I really was. The person inside of me. Only Takeo knew what I was really like. And he had discarded him like yesterday's garbage. "Please, Takeo. This is the last time I'll ask."   
  
I swear.   
  
"…No…" The one word almost made my heart stop. I let my head hand for a moment before I nodded slowly. Even that small effort took some work. It seemed that everything became so much more labored. I felt Takeo sit up as he moved underneath me. Not even a "sorry" Takeo? I sat back and watched as he stood up. "See you tonight."   
  
I got up before he was gone from my sight. I didn't want to sit there and watch him walk away. Instead, I, somehow, found my way back into my house. I had left the front door open in my hurries. All for nothing. It had all been in vain. Everything had been in vain. Every act of kindness towards Takeo Takakura had been wasted. He was nothing more than a narrow-minded adolescent. He would never think outside the box and allow himself to love his same-sex best friend. I had wasted so much energy, trying to make him do so. It was all hopeless.   
  
"Never again, Takeo. I will never again bother you…" I said to no one and everyone.   
  
I walked into my mother's bathroom again. As I, again, stared into my reflection, I saw how hard my eyes were trying to contain the tears that threatened to spill over and run down my face. Why couldn't he have just given me that one last kiss? Why? Why torment me like this, Takeo?   
  
No.   
  
I would never want anything from him again. I would never bother him in anyway again.   
  
"You've gotten your rid of me, Takakura."   
  
"But you'll still miss him."   
  
I wasn't able to hold it in any longer. I sank to my knees and sobbed. With my head resting on the sink, I cried so hard it felt like I was going to fall apart. I was thankful to be alone. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. A shadow of what I once was. I didn't want them to see the Aburatsubo who would never be loved by anyone he wanted to be loved by. The Aburatsubo that, when asked for one last kiss, got the simplest of requests denied.   
  
A strong odor reached my nose.   
  
It was my toast. It had been burnt.   
  
I could only cry harder.   
  
_Comments_: I always imagined Aburatsubo to have some built up angst and I tried to keep him as in character as I could manage. (And I believe that once in every person's life they imagine what their reflection would say to them.) 


	3. chapter three: catch the conscience

_Disclaimer_: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.   
  
_"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,   
And thus the native hue of resolution   
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,   
And enterprises of great pitch and moment   
With this regard their currents turn awry   
And lose the name of action."_   
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"   
  
**Lose the Name of Action**   
**chapter three: "catch the conscience"**   
  
The only thing I could think about throughout the entire day was Aburatsubo. It was only Aya. All because he asked to kiss me. Asked. He didn't just tackle me and attempted to molest me right in the middle of the street. He just sat there and asked me as nicely as I've ever heard in my life.   
  
Why didn't I just let him? He looked so sad. So incredibly sad.   
  
But… But what if the neighbors had seen? What if they had looked out their windows just in time to see Aburatsubo, only in a towel, straddling my waist, holding my wrists above my head, and lean in and kiss me? What would they think? Would they jump back in surprise? Would they look in disgust and turn away from their windows while they pondered what had went wrong with the two of us? Everybody already knows I'm strange, they don't need the thought of what Aburatsubo and I could do together to stir their already ill feelings of me.   
  
And what if Sawanoguchi saw? Or Nakatomi? What if all three girls saw? What would they think? Aikawa, would she mind? Would she even care? What about Nakatomi? Or worse, Sawanoguchi? What if she saw Aburatsubo and I together and lost all respect for me?   
  
The more I think about it, the happier I am that I told him a flat out "no". Sadness or not, it would be better for the both of us. He would eventually get over it, I was sure about that. He always got over all of my reactions towards his hugs, kisses, and attempted molestations. I swear, he gets more and more desperate by the minute. Why did he choose me, of all people, to latch onto? He could have any girl he wanted in our entire school, why did he fall for me? It's extremely disturbing. I remember the first few days after he told me that he was attracted to me how horribly awkward us being together--especially alone together--was. It makes me shudder to think about it. I just wish that he would get over himself and become a normal--   
  
"Takakura!"   
  
The sound of a female voice brings me rushing back into reality. I blinked and saw that I was in the Club room, still in school uniform. After a few seconds, I realized that Sawanoguchi, Nakatomi, and Aikawa were all in the room. I was alone with three of the girls. No Aburatsubo at all. Just the girls and me. What could we do together?   
  
"Mr. Takakura, Miss Sawanoguchi would like to talk to you." I felt someone grab my arm and shake me rather roughly. It was enough to bring me back from another daydream. I blinked, again, and saw that Aikawa had grabbed a hold of my arm. "You're being so rude!"   
  
"Oh! I'm sorry!" I stammered as I shook my head and looked at Sawanoguchi. She looked so cute and innocent, especially in her school girl uniform.   
  
"Takakura, I was wondering if you wanted me to make snacks for the party after school…" She said in a quiet voice as she looked at the ground, her face becoming redder with each word. I felt my own face grow hot. Sawanoguchi, make snacks for my party? Oh, I would love that! Yes! Yes, Sawanoguchi! Go ahead! Make your snacks of love and I will smother myself in them!   
  
"Y-yes, that would be fine." I managed to get out before my imagination took me over.   
  
There was a horribly awkward silence after that. I'm sure Sawanoguchi was happily listing off all the snacks that she could possibly make inside of her brain.   
  
"Takakura? Where's Aburatsubo?" Nakatomi finally asked after what seemed like a year. I wanted to sigh, but I didn't. He didn't seem sick at all when I went over to his house to pick him up for school. He just looked sad. And lonely. Maybe I should've kissed him. Maybe that one action would've made him feel better. He is a good friend of mine, right? Shouldn't I be entitled to one random act of kindness per friend? I should've. "I didn't see him in school today…"   
  
"He's sick." And I should've kissed him.   
  
"Sick? Mr. Aburatsubo has never missed a day! Are you sure he's all right?" Nakatomi's tone went from interrogation to worry. "He's never been sick. He's always been here."   
  
"What if it's some horrible disease and he has to go to the hospital?" Sawanoguchi chimed in. Nakatomi gasped. Aikawa was as silent as the day is long. I didn't blame her. When the two girls got together with their thoughts, their logic didn't seem much like logic.   
  
"No, he'll be fine." Liar. You didn't kiss him.   
  
Why, all of the sudden, do I have this strong urge to kiss Aburatsubo? I am straight, aren't I? Would one kiss, to a friend, make me like boys? Do I like boys? What if I really do and I'm just lying to myself by fantasizing about girls? Has my entire high school career been a lie? Should I have allowed Aburatsubo to swoon over me and not given it another thought? What if I do like Aburatsubo the same way he likes me? What then? What would the girls think? What would everybody think?   
  
"Everyone, there will be no Club today. Go home and get ready for the party, I guess. I hope to see all of you there! Just to make sure you remember, it's at my house at seven." I felt much like a robot, reciting useless information off to anyone who would listen. I did hope my end-of-the-year party would be fun. "And Sawanoguchi, bring as much food as you like."   
  
Before I could see her giddy reaction, I headed out of the Club room and made my way out of the school. I needed some time alone. Some time to think.   
  
"He sounded so desperate…" I thought aloud as I replayed the morning's event for the hundredth time in my head. For some strange reason, Aburatsubo--near tears--looming over me in nothing but a towel with still-dripping wet hair had driven itself into my brain and there was no way I would be able to get it out. "He looked like a lost child. Aya, what was wrong with you this morning?"   
  
I sighed and jammed my hands into my pockets as I picked up the pace down the sidewalk. I wanted to get home, get my house and myself ready for the party. I knew everyone was coming; Aikawa had been talking about outfits that all three of the girls had recently bought. I had paid no attention; I had been watching Aburatsubo the entire time.   
  
_As if it took all of his strength to keep himself up, Aburatsubo leaned against the table in the Club room heavily. So much weight had seemed to appear on his shoulders throughout the week and nothing appeared to be helping relieve the load. He wasn't standing up straight as normal. His back was as crooked as the letter "C". His maroon hair had lost all of its shine and hung limply on his shoulders. Before, it had seemed to dance around as he moved, as if it was alive--part of him. Part of his being. His bright green eyes always seemed to accompany his hair in radiance. But now, they lacked the life they once possessed. Now they seemed haunted and nothing more than a shadow. Even his uniform seemed to be uncomfortable for him. His Club uniform, which he looked best in out of all the other members, looked almost awkward on him. Everything just seemed wrong with his appearance._   
  
I sighed heavily at the memory.   
  
It hurt to see him so lonely and sad and just overall wrong. Was he nervous about leaving home for college? I know I was. England, to study magic. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that it would actually happen to me. The entire thought made me giddy. I could not wait to step foot into the ancient school. All my life I've wanted to become a great magician and now I would have the chance.   
  
I admit it; I would miss Sawanoguchi the most. Recently, she and I had been sharing more memories and ideas with each other than we ever had. I was beginning to feel a very close tie with the soon-to-be-upperclassman. I was planning on seeing her a lot this summer. I was also planning on coming back home every chance I got to see her.   
  
But what about Aburatsubo?   
  
"He must be nervous, that's all." I thought aloud as I turned a corner. But how was I to know that for sure? How was I to know what exactly my friend was thinking every minute of the day? I knew most of his thoughts were directed at me. His actions showed me that. But what about everything else? Did he think about the future? Did he think about his past? Did he ever think about himself?   
  
"What it, Takeo, you're getting a little too deep." I chuckled to myself. Analyzing Aburatsubo's mind was a challenging thing that I don't think I was up to. I had a hard enough time trying to figure myself out. "Just use your party to figure him out, man. That's the easiest way to go about it. Casually watch him and figure out what's going on in his mind."   
  
It was all too simple.   
  
I turned and stepped into my driveway. I had much preparing to do.   
  
_Comments_: Takeo is probably the hardest character to write for in MTT. I had the strongest urge to go into a fantasy but I don't think my brain is capable enough of creating one crazy enough to call Takeo's. So, I just settled for some rambling. Alas. The rest of this story will be Aya POV, as it should be. 


	4. chapter four: a broken voice

_Disclaimer_: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.   
  
_"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,   
And thus the native hue of resolution   
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,   
And enterprises of great pitch and moment   
With this regard their currents turn awry   
And lose the name of action."_   
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"   
  
**Lose the Name of Action**   
**chapter four: "a broken voice"**   
  
"Hello, Aburatsubo?"   
  
"Nakatomi, hello…"   
  
"Are you okay? Takakura said you were sick--all of the Club was worried about you. You'll be well enough to come to the party tonight, correct?"   
  
"…Yes, Nakatomi, I will be there."   
  
"That's good. Were you really sick?"   
  
"I wasn't feeling like my usually self this morning, that's all. There was absolutely no need for worry."   
  
"…We were all worried, even Takakura."   
  
"Takeo?"   
  
"Yeah. He was lost in thought during the entire meeting."   
  
"How do you know what or whom he was thinking about? He could've very well been thinking about Sawanoguchi."   
  
"Aburatsubo, I know when Takakura is thinking about Sae and this wasn't one of those times. It was you, I know it."   
  
"There's always Miazowa…"   
  
"Are you listening to yourself? Normally you would be bouncing off the walls if you knew Takakura was thinking about you. What's on your mind, Aburatsubo? Something has been troubling you all week. We've all seen you lately."   
  
"There's noth--"   
  
"Lying won't help you, Aya."   
  
"Nakatomi, I have to go."   
  
"You're running away."   
  
"In all honesty, I have to go."   
  
"Aya, pelase, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Give me a call anytime. I'll listen."   
  
"I'll keep that in mind, Nakatomi."   
  
"…You're coming tonight, right?"   
  
"For the last time, yes."   
  
"Okay. Bye."   
  
"Goodbye."   
  
- - - - - - - - - -   
  
"Aya?"   
  
"Nakatomi, for the last time--"   
  
"It's Takeo."   
  
"…H-hello."   
  
"How was your day off? Since, you know, it was sick day and all. Did your mother make you gallons and gallons of soup?"   
  
"My mother was at work the entire day."   
  
"Oh. Does she know you stayed home?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Are you going to tell her?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Oh… Oh! The leader of the tennis team asked me to tell you that you will be up to play in the first set at the tournament on Saturday and wants you to make sure you get better soon."   
  
"…Thank you."   
  
"You're coming tonight, right?"   
  
"Of course."   
  
"Are you feeling well enough? I mean, just in case you're coming down with the flu or something. I don't want to be the one to help make you sicker. I want you to come but I don't if it means risking the status of your health. You have to be in the best condition for the tournament on Saturday, you know?"   
  
"Yes, I do."   
  
"…Are you well enough to come?"   
  
"For the last time, yes."   
  
"You sure? Sound kind of tired."   
  
"I'm fine, really. I'll take a nap before I come over."   
  
"Okay, good."   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Hey, Aburatsubo, about his morning…"   
  
"…"   
  
"I was just wondering why you asked…"   
  
"About what?"   
  
"You know, kis--"   
  
"I think I hear my mother coming. Goodbye, Takeo. I'll see you later tonight."   
  
- - - - - - - - - -   
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Hey Sae."   
  
"Oh! Nanaka! Hello! How are you?"   
  
"Fine. I just talked to Aburatsubo."   
  
"Oh good! You two are getting along so well lately, I'm so happy for both of you."   
  
"Thanks Sae, but I want you to help me with something."   
  
"What, Nanaka?"   
  
"Aburatsubo's been feeling kind of down lately and I want to help him out. I was thinking we could cook some of his favorite foods and bring them over to Takakura's tonight. Maybe food will help him feel better."   
  
"That's a great idea, Nanaka! Do you want me to call Akane to see if she would want to help?"   
  
"Akane doesn't know Aburatsubo that well…"   
  
"But she's a good cook!"   
  
"…All right, Sae."   
  
"Yay! This party will be so much fun!"   
  
"I'll be over in a little bit."   
  
"Okay. Bye, Nanaka."   
  
- - - - - - - - - -   
  
**Voicemail:** "Hi Akane! It's Sae. I was just wondering, if you're not too busy, if you would want to come over to my house before Takakura's party so we can cook some 'good eats'. Nanaka is coming over soon and we--well, I--thought it would be better if we had all three of us girls from the Club cook together again! If you're not too busy with a photo shoot, of course. Call me back please. Bye!"   
  
_Comments_: Writer's Block. 


	5. chapter five: to die, to sleep

_Disclaimer_: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.   
  
_"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,   
And thus the native hue of resolution   
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,   
And enterprises of great pitch and moment   
With this regard their currents turn awry   
And lose the name of action."_   
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"   
  
**Lose the Name of Action**   
**chapter five: "to die, to sleep"**   
  
It won't hurt to go. I know it won't hurt to go. If I were to go there, I would simply grab some food, say a few words to everybody in the club, and then leave. Simple. So very simple. So very easy.   
  
Who was I kidding?   
  
Just thinking about seeing Takeo again made something in my stomach lurch. To see the man that I was unable to have. To see him swoon over Sawanoguchi. It would kill something inside of me.   
  
Like it already has.   
  
"Nakatomi. You're forgetting about Nakatomi, Aya." I mumbled to myself as I paced in the small space between my bed and my closet. I had spent the entire day in my room, either in my bed or pacing the lengths of it. I hadn't eaten since I'd woken up. I was hungry, but the aching in my stomach helped me forget about Takeo. It helped me forget about college. It helped me forget everything. "Just get dressed, go there, talk to her for a few minutes, and then leave. It's easy Aya. You can do this."   
  
If I were to focus on Nakatomi and only Nakatomi, I would be able to make it through the night. I just had to imagine her small frame, her dark hair, and her voice…   
  
With a new appetite for my looks, I practically dove into my closet in attempts to find the right outfit. After a few minutes and several articles of clothing on the floor later, I found exactly what I wanted: black dress shirt and a pair of black jeans that were new enough to still have the sharp color I wanted. After dressing myself, I grabbed a brush off of my desk and began to brush my hair. Because I had let it air dry, it had a slight wave to it. I needed it to be straight, as I usually had it. Nakatomi admired the way I looked day after day; I didn't want to change her feelings by changing my look suddenly before I left for school.   
  
After checking myself over in the mirror, I told my mother where I was heading off to and left my house. Thankfully, my mother happily let me go, my absence completely unaware to her. She'd find out soon, though. The school would call and ask where I was today. Regulations. She would answer with the old, "Oh, I thought he was at school…" and would come to find me and have me explain. It wouldn't be hard to lie to her. But, if she wanted the truth, I would hit her with, "Sorry Mother, I was having a hard time living my life and since I am in love with my best friend, who does not return the feeling no doubt, the only way that I'll be able to survive these next few days is if I lock myself up in our house and starve." And if she didn't want the truth, I would simple say, "Sorry Mother, I was sick." Both would actually count as being true.   
  
I suppose it would be a little hard to lie to my mother. It's not like she would beat me for it, it's just she has so much expectations of me and has told everyone she knows what a wonderful and darling boy I am.   
  
"If she only knew…" I muttered to myself as I slowly walked down the sidewalk in the direction of Takeo's house.   
  
I always wondered about my mother's reaction if she were to find out that I was gay. At the moment, she believes me to have a very "touchy-feely" relationship with Takeo and just sees him as my "little friend". Call it blindness, call it ignorance, call it ignoring, call it whatever you want, she still doesn't think I'm gay. She doesn't believe that I am in love with a boy. But what if she were to find out? Would she accept it? Would she recoil in horror and barge into my life in attempts to change the way I feel about boys? I can just imagine she and Nakatomi teaming up together in order to get me to like girls. It would never work. You can't change what people like. If someone does not enjoy something, they're not going to start liking that something if someone simply just tells them to. Life is much more complicated than that. If we were made to like something one minute and hate it the other, nothing would be as balanced as it is. Some people are just made to like certain things.   
  
"Thinking a little too deeply tonight, aren't you, Aya?" Asking questions and talking to myself out loud was quickly becoming a habit for me. It was probably beacuase I was the only person who would listen to me and I was the only person who knew exactly what I was going through.   
  
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Takeo's house.   
  
I've stood on his front steps, rang the doorbell, and opened the door countless times before. It was almost habit, coming to Takeo's house. I've been doing it ever since we've known each other. I'd been coming over for so long, no phone call before hand was almost expected. It was almost as if Takeo expected me to show up randomly.   
  
But, as I stood on his front steps, I felt like such a stranger I wanted to leave.   
  
And I would've if it wasn't for the fact that Takeo opened the door, greeted me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me inside. If it wasn't for those factors, I would've been asleep at home.   
  
As Takeo dragged me into his living room, the desire to be asleep grew more and more. I had such a strong urge to sleep. Just to sleep, forever. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. I would be able to rest forever; I wouldn't have to deal with love and loss. Never again. I wanted that feeling so much. I just wanted the emptiness to go away. Sleep makes you forget things, correct? The moment when you're between consciousness and unconsciousness is when you remember nothing in your life. That second of blissful ignorance. I wanted that to be my entire being. I wanted that ignorance, that lack of emotion. I wanted to forget.   
  
The man who broke my heart had his hand on my wrist. I wanted to grab his hand and to lead him to another room. I needed to tell Takeo what he had done to me. He had some right to now. I knew he did.   
  
But for some reason, I couldn't open my mouth and say, "Takeo, I want to die."   
  
"Mr. Aburatsubo! You came!"   
  
"You're late, Aburatsubo."   
  
"…Oh, hello Mr. Aburatsubo."   
  
The greetings form Sawanoguchi, Nakatomi, and Aikawa. True to character. I forced a smile on my face and gave them a small wave. I could still feel Takeo's warm hand on my cold wrist. I didn't understand why he hadn't pulled away by now. Did he want to touch me? He had never before.   
  
He dropped my wrist and walked over to the three girls. Right on cue, Takakura.   
  
"There's food on the table, Aburatsubo. We were all just talking about all of the times that our spells went completely wrong," Takeo explained as he motioned me over to the group. Not wanting to make him hate me any more than he already did, I obeyed and walked up to the foursome. With me included in the circle, we made five. An odd number. Usually, Aikawa was the odd one out. But tonight I felt as though I had assumed that role. I felt as though I didn't belong. They were all so happy to be around each other, my sudden gloominess wouldn't match. It was like those problems they used to give you in school. Which item doesn't belong? A clumsy, happy teenager. A bossy, happy teenager. An air headed, happy teenager. A goofy, happy teenager. A beautiful, depressed teenager. Three guesses who didn't fit.   
  
"Hey Sae, remember that time when we tried that transportation spell after you and Aburatsubo got locked in that closet?" Nakatomi asked. I think she was attempting to make me laugh. It failed. I'm so sorry, Nakatomi, but it failed. "And you got lost and all of us had to go out looking for you? I barely got any sleep that night, it seemed we spent hours looking for you! And it was your fault the spell went wrong anyway."   
  
Everyone laughed.   
  
"Actually, Nakatomi, I think the reason the spell didn't work is because we didn't have group unity…" Takeo added as he looked at Aikawa who was busy braiding her long, lavender hair. She didn't realize that the attention had been drawn to her.   
  
"Yes, that was probably it, Takakura," I said softly as I broke from the group to get some food. I wasn't that hungry, I just needed something to do. Something to get me away from the group. I just wanted to be alone. Either that or alone with Takeo.   
  
The food looked too much like art too eat. I had to admit, if there one thing that Sawanoguchi and Aikawa could do correctly it was cook. Everything was so small and perfect, I couldn't bring myself to eat any of it. It didn't look like art, it was art. They had probably been cooking all of their lives, working hard each time. Actually earning the respect they deserved. I, on the other hand, was born with my athletic talent. I didn't deserve the praise everyone gave me. Sports came to easily for me to enjoy praise. Sure, I acted as if I enjoyed it but each time someone would say, "Good job, Aya!" "Congratulations!" it would eat me up inside. Why do we adore people who don't have to work hard at what they do?   
  
"Aburatsubo… Are you going to eat something?"   
  
The question brought me back to the party. I glanced at the source of the voice and found it to be Takeo. I shook my head.   
  
"Okay. I need to talk to you, then," Again he grabbed my wrist and lead me away from the girls. It wasn't outdoors, as I had been expecting, it was up the stairs, down the hallway, and into his room. After he had shut the door, he let go of me and turned to face me. "It's about this morning."   
  
"Before you say anything, I want to say that I'm sorry. I think I was still half asleep," I lied as I sat on the edge of Takeo's bed. I always wanted to sleep next to him, curled up with him. He never let me. I never got up the nerve to just do it. I always slept on the floor. Yes, he would offer me the bed but the thought of my love sleeping on the cold, hard floor made me cringe.   
  
"No, no. That's not what I was going to say," Takeo said rather harshly. Had I made him angry? Did I need to apologize?   
  
"Takeo, I—" But I was cut off when Takeo put his finger on my lips. He didn't want me to talk, to explain, to apologize. I didn't have the energy to lie either, I couldn't tell him that was the final kiss I had ever wanted. He would begin to ask questions and would talk me out of it. I didn't need that.   
  
Before I could tell him "no", he leaned forward and kissed me. I could fell the air getting caught in my throat. Part of me screamed for joy, finally winning the endless battle. The other part of me sobbed, desperately awaiting the longing for more and the regret when that more could not be offered. I could only imagine what I would feel like after Takeo pulled away from me, after he left the room. I did not want that loneliness again.   
  
But I couldn't help kissing him back. I had waited so long for an actual kiss. To feel his lips pressed up against my own. Nothing forced, nothing against someone's will. Completely a conscious action.   
  
I wanted it as natural as the one I was receiving now.   
  
I felt Takeo's hand run slowly through my hair, loosening all of the small tangles. His other hand was at my shoulder; slowly pushing me backwards onto his bed. I let him. I let him do whatever he wanted to do to me. Just like every other day.   
  
"You'll never change, Aya," a small voice in the back of my head purred softly. "You'll always have someone in control of you, forcing you to either change or hide your emotions and actions…"   
  
I didn't want that.   
  
With much regret and a reappearing pain in my stomach, I pushed Takeo away from me. He looked surprised. He had some right. After all, I had been the one who had asked for the kiss in the first place. Why was I the one who was stopping it?   
  
"Takakura, I'm not going to force affection on you any more. I know you do not enjoy it and I don't want to be a bother," I made my voice as emotionless as I possibly could. As I slid out from underneath him, I felt the sure fire sign of tears as my eyes began to sting. I got off the bed. "I hope you'll forget all of the times when I annoyed you with my schoolgirl-esque ways. Please forgive me—I will never do so again… Have a good life in college. I know the girl you fall for will be very lucky indeed. Goodbye, Takeo."   
  
And without another word, I left his room and shut the door behind me.   
  
He had allowed me a sample of something I would never be able to have. I was being selfish, I had my cake and wanted to eat it too. I already had the friendship with Takeo (as unsteady as it seemed now) but I still longed for that more serious and more devoted relationship. That sense of love and adoration. I wanted it from Takeo. I wanted it all.   
  
And I couldn't have it.   
  
I had made a promise to myself that I would never bother Takeo again. I would stick to it. I would not break it.   
  
"Aburatsubo?" I heard Nakatomi call out my name. Out of habit, I stopped, my hand out in mid-air, reaching for the doorknob. "Are you leaving already? You just got here! Please, stay a little while longer…"   
  
Why? Why do they want me here? I couldn't understand. I only brought annoyance and embarrassment. I was good for nothing else. No one really liked me for my personality. It was all based on looks. All of the people who tolerated me had superficial feelings towards me. Nothing true, nothing real.   
  
The desire to sleep forever overcame me again.   
  
"I'm sorry Nakatomi, I am extremely tired. I was more sick that I thought I was," I spurted out. Maybe if I lied quickly, my brain would be unable to keep up with my mouth and the truth wouldn't come out. Maybe. "I should be going, I need to get some sleep."   
  
"Oh, okay," she said softly.   
  
"Give her a hug, Aya," a small voice said to me. "It'll be the last time you see her."   
  
Giving into the voice, I reached out and pulled her small body close to my own. Her skin felt warm against mine. But it wasn't the same. She wasn't Takeo. No matter how hard I pretended, she would never be Takeo. It took me awhile to realize that my arms were tightening around her by the second. I almost heard a soft "ow" come from her. Was it my imagination? Probably. The more I thought about Takeo, the angrier I got. Why?   
  
I recoiled and fled.   
  
"Aburatsubo, the coward."   
  
"It has a nice ring, don't you think?"   
  
Oh, if only I could just fall asleep forever… 

_Comments_: Hollar if I knock Sawanoguchi, Nakatomi, or Aikawa out of character. 


	6. chapter six: what dreams may come

_Disclaimer_: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.   
  
_"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,   
And thus the native hue of resolution   
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,   
And enterprises of great pitch and moment   
With this regard their currents turn awry   
And lose the name of action."_   
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"   
  
**Lose the Name of Action**   
**chapter six: "what dreams may come"**   
  
Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt to live? Why does it hurt to love? I can't understand. Isn't love supposed to be something that's beautiful? Isn't love supposed to make life wonderful? If that's so, then why does it break me in half to think about?   
  
How hard is it to be able to get away? Away from the pain, the loneliness, the everything. I just wanted a break, a chance to rest. Just some sleep.   
  
Would they care if I feel asleep and never woke up again?   
  
Probably not.   
  
I couldn't stand to think. I didn't want to think. And yet, a flow of thoughts flooded my mind. I couldn't stop thinking.   
  
I needed to write my thoughts down in a letter to Takeo. I wanted him to know. I wanted him to know how much I cared for him and how much he had ruined me. I didn't blame him, though. I know I didn't blame him.   
  
Actually, I wasn't too sure who I blamed.   
  
It didn't make a difference.   
  
Nothing did.   
  
I shivered. Out of habit, I crossed my arms tightly around my body. What did it matter how cold I was? There was no one to warm me up, why was I worrying about heat? I had no one to offer me any. What was the point of wanting something I couldn't have?   
  
"But I'm used to that, aren't I?" I mumbled angrily under my breath.   
  
I felt sick.   
  
I picked up my pace and jogged all the way back to my house. It had begun to rain by the time I got to my front door. The weather was perfect for my mood. It always seemed that way. Every time I felt horrible, there was a storm. Must just be another way to mock me. "Oh look, Aya, this is how the world views you: a sobbing thing that ruins everything."   
  
Stop thinking. Save it for the letter. Save it for Takeo.   
  
I was soaked when I opened my front door and stepped inside. I threw off my shoes and stumbled into the kitchen, slipping on the wooden floor and almost crashing into the table. I found my way to the desk near the refrigerator and tore open the drawers. Paper and a pen. Those were the tools necessary to be able to completely open myself up to the world. Easy, right? It was so easy to tell the world exactly what I was thinking and feeling. All I had to do was to write the words that have been running through my head for the past two years.   
  
Paper and pen in hand, I sat down at the kitchen table. Water was still dripping from my clothes; it had rained that hard in that small amount of time. The weather could be amazing at times.   
  
I paused, pen in hand.   
  
The world could be amazing. There were so many wonderful things that it could offer. So many things that humans have built that were beautiful enough to rival nature's creations. Art, music, writings, and more. It was all wonderful. The theatre—wonderful. Paintings—wonderful. And humans themselves. For as many bad traits that we have there is another to confront it. A bad singing voice is cancelled out by a great sense of humor. People could be wonderful. People could be beautiful. In my mind, I knew that everyone had some good trait to him or her. Everyone could create something beautiful. Everyone could make something worthwhile.   
  
But in my heart I could not make myself care.   
  
When had I become this hopelessly lost in depression? When did it start? I thought for a moment, my fingers aching with pain to scribble frantic thoughts onto the paper in front of me. After a few moments, I realized that I couldn't remember not having the looming feeling of hopelessness. I had never been truly happy in a long time. There were times, mainly when I was alone with Takeo, that I thought I had felt happy. But now, now that I was actually breaking down my thoughts and emotions one-by-one, I realized it was just and act for myself. I was trying to save myself by acting happy.   
  
I was pitiful.   
  
_Dear Takeo,_   
  
I had begun to write without realizing it.   
  
_I've been meaning to say these things to you for a very long time. I'm sorry I will not have the chance to actually say them to your face. Please, forgive me. Forgive my cowardice. I've been having these thoughts for a while. They've been pounding at my conscious for countless days.   
  
I love you. It's blunt, it's open, it's out there. It needs to be said, even if you don't want to hear it, I need to say it. I'm sorry I'm writing it; I want you to hear it. I want you to hear my voice saying, "I love you" but, under my circumstances, that cannot happen. I don't know how long I've had these feelings for you; it must be ever since I've known you. Even though at times you would disagree with me, you are a great guy. You're heart is in the right place when it comes to friends. Yes, you do daydream constantly. Yes, you do tend to have superficial views of girls. No one is perfect, Takeo. And I love you for that. You're an everyday guy.   
  
That brings me to another point. Everyday guys do not fall in love with their same-sex best friends. I never asked for it, Takeo. I didn't wake up one day and say to myself, "I think I'll fall in love with a boy today,". With all of my heart I say that I'm sorry for embracing you all of those times. I'm sorry I feel in love with you. I'm sorry I was unable to control my heart.   
  
I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble. If you can forgive me, it would mean the world to me. I cannot put into words how much being in love with you has pained me. You were like some prize I couldn't win. It hurt to be around you. I was able to talk to you, be close to you—but I couldn't touch you in ways I wanted to. I felt so disgusting; I wanted to force you to want me. I wanted you to feel for me the exact same way I felt for you. I wanted you to feel my anguish. I wanted to take all of my emotions and switch them with yours. For once, I wanted to be able to look at any girl and want them only for their beauty. I wanted to be a normal guy. I wanted the superficial outlook on life. But I knew I couldn't have it. Just like I couldn't have you.   
  
But why would I want to do that to you? You were Takeo, my best friend. I couldn't wish this ill things upon you, it would go against everything I had ever felt for you. That's when my hatred started, I think. For myself, that is. My hatred for myself and my emotions. I let them grow inside of me, keeping them bottled up for as long as I could stand. It didn't last long until I needed an outlet. I found something. Or should I say someone?   
  
Sawanoguchi. I remember the day that she joined the Magic Club with her bossy little friend Nakatomi. I remember when you began to pay more and more attention to her. It felt so wrong for a junior to want a freshman. Two years difference, Takeo. Do you know how much can happened in two years? People can begin to fall in love and have that love form into a resentment. That resentment and burn inside of someone before it morphs into a depression. If you hate yourself, you soon begin to hate life. People can't live for very long if they can't stand themselves. Have you ever hated yourself so much that you can hardly stand to hear your own voice inside your head? I can't stand my voice. My own voice. I cannot stand to hear it. I hear it now, as I write these words. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to fall in love with you? Why do you still remain in close contact with me? Why, Takeo? I have so many questions for which there are no answers. Do you see what I've been going through? Each day, hundreds of questions flood my mind. I can hardly think clearly. "What if I don't wake up today? Who would notice?" "Does Takeo hate me?" "Why can't I stop loving him?" "How can I still live when my thoughts are so morbid?" "Does it hurt to die?"   
  
You see, after all of this mental torture I've put myself through, I've decided to be done with it. Simple, yes? I mean, when I'm free of you, I can be happy. It was that simple. Why did it take me four years to figure out? I guess I'm not as smart as some people say I am. Funny, yes? I would be laughing if my stomach didn't hurt as much as it does now. It's just been so long. So very long. I've been waiting too long. Too long for such a simple solution.   
  
I am sorry it had to end this way.   
  
Aburatsubo.   
  
P.S.—Sawanoguchi is a lucky girl._   
  
I put my pen down and stared at my letter. I surprised myself; there were no drops of moisture from any tears. I was done with tears. I was too far along to cry for anything any more. I just didn't feel the need.   
  
With numb fingers, I folded the paper and set it gently on the wooden table. It looked so innocent. It looked like nothing.   
  
Just as I felt.   
  
"So, this is what it's like to die…"   
  
I cannot describe exactly how I felt after that. After I stood up, neatly pushed my chair under the table, and walked out of the kitchen. I wish I could say "peace", but that wasn't it. I was not content; I was more of a shell than anything else. I suppose "empty" would be a good word. I felt empty. Like someone had erased my insides. I felt like I was nothing more than the bold line cartoonists use to separate their characters from the rest of the cartoon. I felt like an outline.   
  
Somehow, I managed to make it through the hallway and into my room without bumping into anything. I was just a line, remember? If I were to bump, collide, crash, brush, or look at another object, I would have been running the risk of falling apart. But make it to my room in one piece I did. And as quietly as I could, I shut the door. There was no lock on the doorknob for me to use. I wouldn't need it. I was almost glad I didn't have a lock. They would find me. And then they would know.   
  
He would know.   
  
I would cause him pain. I would cause anyone who knew my name pain. Was I really being that selfish? Did I really want to hurt them as they did me? Was it just an act of revenge? A selfish act of escape that I used?   
  
No.   
  
All I wanted was to sleep.   
  
And sleep I did.   
  
I slid off of my bed and got on my knees. My room was a mess. My mother had demanded me to clean it this past weekend. I didn't. Why clean something you don't care about? Instead, I stored everything I could under my bed. When that was the only place I wanted to be, why not have my things near it? I reached under and began to search. I knew it was under there. I had put it there earlier—a precaution mostly. I had been thinking about it for quite awhile. Takeo would call it planning to make himself more comfortable.   
  
I found it. Able to do nothing else but smile, I pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills from underneath my bed.   
  
Pill by pill, my thoughts of Takeo, love, hate, regreat, depression, Sawanoguchi, Nakatomi, school, college, partings, friends, magic, club, Takeo, best friends, homosexuality, females, males, life, Mother, Takeo, school, love, sports, theater, schoolwork, Takeo, Takeo, and Takeo seemed to evaporate. 

_Comments_: Almost there. 


	7. chapter seven: goodnight, sweet prince

_"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,_

_And thus the native hue of resolution_

_Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,_

_And enterprises of great pitch and moment_

_With this regard their currents turn awry_

_And lose the name of action."_

- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"

Lose the Name of Action

**chapter seven: "goodnight, sweet prince"**

Thursday—

It's late.  I should be sleeping.

It feels wrong to write after what happened.  I know I should because one day I'll want to look back on what I thought about the entire situation.  I'll want to see if I grew any.  Do you think I will, journal?  Do you think, because of this event, that I'll become more mature?  I hope so.  No, I don't!  I mean, I hope that because…  No, that's not right.  I don't want to use someone's pain to help me become a better person.  Maybe if I think of it as a learning experience for all of us, it would help me feel better.  Yes!  That's what I'll do!  He was just kidding about the entire thing, he just wanted to keep all of us on our toes.  That's right.

He was lying.  The entire time he was lying.  No one can go that long without being happy.  He was just acting; he's an actor, right?

I hope he was lying.  For Takakura's sake.

But…

But what if he really felt that way?  What if he wanted…

No.

There will be nothing sad that goes in this journal.

Still.

Why Aburatsubo?

Why did you want to die?

—Sae Sawanoguchi

- - - - - - - - - -

When I awoke I was in a room of all white.  My first thought was Heaven.  I was in Heaven.  But then I realized that people who kill themselves do not belong in Heaven.  So I then thought I was in Hell.  But why would Hell be white?  All white?  I always imagined Hell to be fire and torture and the devil and darkness and etcetera.  Or maybe a world where Sawanoguchi and Takakura were together and I would be forced to watch them date and hug and kiss and ignore me completely.

But I didn't feel dead.  I could feel my heart beating faintly.  Faintly.

If I wasn't dead, where was I?

I blinked a few times more and watched as the absolute white formed into shapes around me.  A chair, a table, a window, some curtains, a bed, and an IV.  An IV?  Was I in the hospital?  Why?  I tried to sit up but someone was holding down my left arm.  So instead, I lay in my bed.  Wait.  It wasn't my bed.  The sheets were to rough.  My own sheets were worn down and soft from years of use.  I couldn't be in my room.

So I was in the hospital.

And I was alive.

Why must I fail at everything?

The more I awoke, the more my body reacted.  I met with a burn in my throat, a pain in my stomach, and a fatigue that would have rivaled any marathon runner.  Why was I still here?  I had swallowed enough pills to take down a horse, right?  Right?  I should have died.  I should have died.  I should have died.

"A-Aburatsubo?"

Someone's voice.  Male.  Recognizable.  Takeo?

I turned my head to my left.  My heart breaks.  It was Takeo, sitting in a chair, to the left of the bed that I was lying in.  Why was he next to me?  Why were his eyes bloodshot?  Why did he have a piece of paper tightly clenched in his left hand?  Why was his other hand griping mine?

"Takeo?"  My voice was hoarse and it hurt to use.  His eyes began to water.  Why are you crying, Takeo?  Why?  Why, why, why, why—

"Oh God, Aya, they thought you weren't going to wake up!"  His grip on my hand tightened and his voice shook slightly.  I could only stare at him with disbelief.  Never in all of my years of being his best friend that I've ever seen him truly cry.  "They thought that you were going to go into a come and never wake up and then they would have to take you off life support and you would die and then your mother would have to spend so much money on a funeral and it would happen right before we were supposed—"

I closed my eyes tightly and opened them up again after a few seconds.  Takeo was still there.  He was still on the verge of tears.  My hand was still griped in his.  I sat up slowly.  He jumped slightly, ready to help me if I needed it, I supposed.  I was surprised by his sudden emphasis of emotion.

"…What happened?  Why am I here?"  Why am I not dead?

"I found you in your room about twenty minutes after you left my house.  I would have gotten there sooner but Nakatomi kept me from leaving by constantly asking me questions about you.  When I found you…  Oh Aya, you were vomiting up blood and there was a half-empty bottle of sleeping pills next to you."  While he was speaking, his lovely brown eyes were glazed over.  Never mind that there were large bags underneath them or that they were bloodshot.  They were still his eyes.  And they were crying for me.  For me.  Tears of happiness.  For me.  "Your mother got home from work just as I was trying to find some way to get you to the hospital.  She drove the both of us.  That's how you got here.  She's in the waiting room."

So I didn't die.

"How long have you been here?"

"Four hours.  It's almost 11:30."

"You've been waiting four hours…"

"…For you to wake up."

Now it was my turn to cry.  I saw the tears form.  I blinked them away quickly.  Takeo didn't hate me.  He waited that long just to see if I was okay.  Maybe our friendship could be rebuilt.  Maybe all hope wasn't lost.  Maybe I could learn to love someone else.  People do it all the time, right?

"Aburatsubo, why?"  The question hit my hard.  I glanced over at him.  At Takeo.  At my Takeo Takakura.

"Because I'm a coward.  Because I thought that dying was the only way out of my situation.  Because I was in love with you and wanted you only for myself.  Because I was too stubborn to try to love someone else.  Because I've loved you since the seventh grade.  Because Nakatomi loves me.  Because I cannot love her.  Because you want Sawanoguchi and not me.  Because my mother trusts me to much.  Because she believes that I am perfect in every way.  Because I hate who I am."  I couldn't stop the words.  I didn't want to stop them.  I wanted him to know everything.  He needed to know, he saved me.  He saved me from sleeping forever.  He needed to know what he had done.  "It hurt to see you lust after Sawanoguchi they was you did.  I remember thinking, 'Why can't Takeo love me?  Why can't Takeo daydream about me?  I've known him the longest; I'm the one who gets him!  Not Sawanoguchi, not anyone!'.  But that was immature of me, wasn't it?  I don't own you, Takeo.  You are your own person and I do not want to do anything to change it.  I love the way you are, right now.  But I also hate the fact that you cannot return my affections.  So I decided it would be better for everyone that I wasn't around.  You wouldn't have to deal with me, Nakatomi could find someone who would love her more than I ever could, and Sawanoguchi could get away from my immature comments towards her personality and other things…"

I stopped and looked at him.  Really looked at him.  He wasn't the best looking guy in the world.  He made many mistakes, he was clumsy, he tended to stumble over his words, and his attention span was the shortest I've ever known.  But he was my Takeo.  He was my best friend.

"Why, why didn't you tell me any of this?  If it was hurting you so much, why didn't you tell me?  I would have stopped liking Sawanoguchi."  Takeo almost sounded desperate.

"No, no you wouldn't have.  Believe me, it's harder than you think to change your opinion about someone."  I'm an expert at it.

He paused.  There was a silence between us.  A silence that had grown stronger throughout the months.  What was he going to say next?  How would I respond?  Would I respond?  I felt so tired, so hungry.  I wanted to sleep.  So, I closed my eyes and rested my head up against the wall.  The cold, white wall.

I almost jumped when I felt his arms slide around my waist and into a tight hug.  His head rested on my lower chest.  The warmth from his body seemed to fill me up.  I could do nothing but sit there and enjoy his body pressed up against mine.  His arms tightened around me.

"I was so afraid that I was going to lose you.  For a while, I thought you were never going to wake up, that I would have to live the rest of my life without my best friend.  Without my Aburatsubo.  And that's when I realized how much I need you.  How much I've always needed you.  You are my reality, Aya.  You keep me from living in my fantasy world."  Takeo's voice was muffled but I could still understand everything.  Every world he said was magic to my ears.  I was important to him.  I mattered to him.

I inhaled slowly as I felt my tears roll down my face.  I couldn't help but run my fingers through his brown hair.  It was soft.  It was supposed to be soft.

Isn't this what you want?  Isn't this what you've fantasized about for the longest time?  To have him come to you, you enjoy being in your arms?

Yes.  Yes I did.  For so very, very long.  I wanted Takeo for so very long.  And now, now that I am in a hospital with the man I love in tears of happiness because I woke up, will I finally be able to have him?  Will I finally be able to speak the words that have been breaking down the walls of my heart for years?  And will he now listen?  Will he respond they way I want him to?

NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO—

"Takeo, no,"  I whispered as I gently pushed him away from me.  I used my sleeve to get rid of my tears.  "Please don't do this to me."

"Do what?"  He asked as innocent as a child.  It made my insides sigh.  With regret or love, I wasn't sure.

"Try to make me happy.  You can't do it.  You don't know how,"  my voice sounded like a gravel driveway.  What happened to all of my life?  It was probably with all of the pills they pumped out of my stomach.  I wish I could swallow it again.  Absorb it again.  "And I can't tell you.  I don't know how.  I don't know much about anything right now…"

"Let's not talk about this right now, Aya,"  he whispered.  I watched silently as he reached out to me and moved my hair out of my eyes.  I watched him smile softly.  I wanted to smile.  I really did.  "I'm just happy you're alive.  Let's leave it at that.  For now."

"But, but we have to talk about it.  That was my first problem.  I'm unstable, Takeo, I'm suicidal.  Me.  I need to talk.  I have much to say; I just don't know which words to use.  I can't be silent anymore.  If I'm silent, then—"  I couldn't keep talking, he had pressed his mouth up against my own.  Now it was time for my insides to gasp.  What was going on?  I was still dreaming.  I was still unconscious and I was dreaming.  I shouldn't be doing this in my dream.   But I kissed Takeo back any way.

He pulled away from me and kept his lips inches from my own.  "I will give you hours of my ears to tell me everything you need to…"

Takeo…

"Aburatsubo, you're awake!"

"Oh, thank God, Aburatsubo!"

I looked up with a start to see Nakatomi and Sawanoguchi standing in the doorway.  Not them.  Any one but them.  I can't.  I can't do it anymore.

I suddenly wanted to slit my wrists in front of all of them.  To have them see how I felt about everything.  Then they would honestly know.  First time round was just for practice.  I would get it right the next time.  I swear to God I would get it right.

Someone grabbed a hold of my right hand and held it tightly.  Tight enough to begin cutting off the circulation of my fingers.  It was Nakatomi.  She had tears brimming in her eyes.  That softened some of the sharp corners of my sudden anger.  I had caused another person pain.  She had been worried and sad—just like Takeo.  I forgot that there were such things as other people and these people did have feelings of their own.  It happens.

Sawanoguchi moved next to Takeo.  My stomach began to burn.  I suddenly remembered that I had swallowed a large amount of pills earlier.  The nausea began to grow.  She was going to steal Takeo away again.  He was just about to make me think life could be worth living again.  He was just about to talk me into—

Into what?  What was he about to talk me into?

My stomach churned and twisted itself into a knot.  I yanked my hand away from Nakatomi and crawled my way across the bed and almost rolled off of the end and onto the floor.  Luckily, I landed on my feet and was able to find my way into the small bathroom before I vomited.  It burned more than it usually did.  It was then I remembered that I had vomited blood before I had passed out.  That made a large wave of nausea wash over me.

"Aya!"  I felt someone's hand on my back.  Takeo?

I pushed myself upright and wiped my mouth on my white sleeve.  What sleeve?  I looked down at my arm to see a plain cotton shirt that had replaced my previous black one.  And plain cotton white pants were also in place of my jeans.  Why wasn't I wearing the normal hospital gown?  Why real clothes?

The reasons why didn't matter too much.  What mattered was my skin was as white and the cloth on my body.  Just seeing how unnatural it looked began to make me shiver.  Shake, actually.  My hands looked so translucent, I could see every vein and artery underneath my flesh.  This wasn't supposed to happen to people.  People were not supposed to see what they looked like on the inside.  No one can be this pale.

"Aya!  Aya, what's wrong?"  Takeo was shaking me roughly.  I blinked and found myself leaning up against the wall, still staring at my hands.  I looked up to see Takeo's face inches from my own.  His brown eyes softened when he realized I was back to, well, reality.

"How long do they plan on keeping me here?"  I managed to whisper.  My voice sounded like it was trying to claw its way out of my throat.

"I, I don't know, Aya,"  he responded, looking down at the ground.

"How long will I have to stay in this hospital?"  I asked, my voice more fierce than it ever had been.  I grabbed his upper arms as hard as I could.  That one burst of energy sent waves of pain through my entire body.  I was so weak.  I couldn't do any thing.  Feelings of worthlessness began to fill up inside of me.  Again.  Always again.  "How long, Takeo?"

"Only for a week or two,"  he whispered.  Why the whispering, Takeo?  Do you not want Nakatomi or Sawanoguchi overhearing us?  Do you not want them to know that your best friend is evidently suicidal and could have some mental illness?  Why hide these things?  Why not say them out loud?  Why?  Why keep it all in?  I don't understand it.  I tried hiding everything and look where it got me.  Almost to death.  I almost tasted death.  He was about to wrap his cold and hard arms around me when you dragged me back.  You dragged me from my salvation.  For what?  To torment me again?  "You can always ask the doctor when he comes in to check on you.  He should be coming in soon, someone would have told him you've woken up."

A doctor.  I don't want to see a doctor!  I don't want some man telling me what's wrong with me!  Just give me a day by myself and I could tell you each and every single thing that was wrong with me.  Then you can give me your wonder pill that corrects the imbalance of chemicals in my mind that will keep me from thoughts that people should be able to have.  People should wonder what happens when they kill themselves.  It's all part of life.  It's all part of fear.  It is what makes us human.  I don't want a doctor telling me I'm not human.

"I can't.  I can't be here for more than a day.  I'm enrolled in one of the top acting classes in America.  I have to go.  I have to make a life worth living for myself,"  Somehow, I managed to push Takeo away from me and make my way out of the room.  I had to push past Nakatomi and Sawanoguchi, though.  That was easy enough.  The look on their faces was enough to tell me they had no idea what the hell was happening.  I made it into the hallway before I caught sight of my mother.  Her usually thick mascara was ruined from tears.  She looked like she hadn't slept for days.  And her skin was almost as pale as my own.  I didn't want anything to do with her.  I thought I had made it out of her line of sight before—

"Ayanojou!"  She used my full name.  Something told me I was in some trouble.  I turned as fast as my worn body would let me and began to run down the hallway.

Get away, all of you—get away from me!  I want nothing more to do with you!  All you will ever do is hurt me and leave me to mend myself.  I don't want anymore of it!  Go away!

I was making good time until I looked back to see who was after me.  Two rather large looking men.  I straightened myself out in time to see a cart of supplies not one foot away from me.  Of course, I ran straight into it.  All of the wind was knocked out of me and there was new pain in my head and chest.  Almost equal to the pain in my heart.  I had to stop and relearn how to breathe.

They caught up with me.  The whole lot of them.  The only good news was they didn't need to give me a drug to calm me down.  I had worn myself out trying to escape from all of them.

And so I found myself back in the cold and crisp hospital bed.  This time with my mother, a doctor—Dr. Faust[1], I can assure you _that_ made me feel wonderful, and Takeo were gathered around my bed.  I had demanded that Sawanoguchi leave.  Reasons:  (A) looking at her made me want to throw up, (B) I wanted to stab myself with the IV sitting near my bed every time she either looked at Takeo or he looked at her, and (C) what right did she have to come into my hospital room and gawk at me?  Nakatomi had accompanied her sobbing friend out of the room.  I should have felt bad.  But there wasn't enough room left in my heart for such emotion.

"Naturally, we're going to have to put him on some form of medication.  And we'll have to keep him in the hospital for at least a week, to calm him down and help distress his life,"  Dr. Faust began to ramble and continued to do so as my mother listened with shinning eyes.  Some small part of me wanted to comfort her; she was my mother after all.  "And we'll request that he begins to visit a physiatrist at least once a week.  If you need help finding one, the hospital will be more than happy to provide our assistance."

"How strong will the medication be?"  My mother's voice was very soft.  I didn't bother to listen to the doctor's response.  My attention was focused on Takeo.  He was watching my mother like you would watch a funeral.  Carefully.  Showing just enough emotion to get your point across.

I felt hollow during the entire conversation.  I couldn't remember if the doctor tried talking to me or not.  I couldn't remember if my mother even tried talking to me or not.  But, after they left, a large sensation to burst into tears overwhelmed me.  Takeo was instantly by my side.

"What's wrong with me, Takeo?"  I managed to squeeze in between my sobs.  He held me tightly, lightly rocking both of our bodies back and forth.  I had buried my head into his shoulder.  Pathetic.  Absolutely pathetic.  The wonderful Aburatsubo would need a drug to help him think straight.  "Why can't I be a normal young man?  Why do I need drugs for that?"

"You know perfectly well that drugs do not make any bit of a difference,"  he whispered in my ear.

"Yes they do,"  I mumbled, not wanting to sit up yet.  I wasn't done with my tears.  "From this day forward I will need some form of medication or I will be wracked with thoughts of ending my life for various reasons.  Until the day I actually and truly die, I will need those chemicals to keep me going.  Enable me to get out of bed each morning with the thought that maybe, just maybe this day will become a bit better than the last.  And I know that I can't hope for anything better than what my medication is going to give me.  I'm stuck like this forever."

I felt his arms move from my shoulders to my waist.

"If you feel that way, then I will be there with your medication to help you."

"Please don't make promises you know you'll break…"

"I'm serious, Aburatsubo.  I want to be around you.  I need to be around you."

And at that moment, with my face surrounded by Takeo's skin and scent and warmth and my tears, I almost believed him.  Almost.

"Just let me try, Aya, please,"  I felt his mouth on top of my head.  Should I?  Could I?  Would it hurt me more in the long run?  If so, they could just pump more medication into me.  Science was far enough to be able to do that, right?  Of course.  Yes.

I felt Takeo push me into a sitting position before he touched his forehead to my own.  I could hardly see him through my tears.

"Please."

Shall I?

"If you must."

He hugged me then.  An honest hug.  It felt good.

Perhaps I could finally find what I had lost so long ago.

Perhaps.

[1]—Stolen from _Doctor Faustus _by Goethe.  Faust was a man who sold his soul to Lucifer so he would have endless amounts of knowledge and ending up killing himself.

COMMENTS: To me, Aburatsubo has the most potential for angst in any anime. (Usually, if the character that has potential for angst is already angsting. Or something along those lines.) And I believe that the best possible paring in the anime _Mahou Tsukai Tai_ is Aburatsubo and Takeo. (I can't help that I like boy parings. Alas.) Originally, I was going to have Aya kill himself and that was that. But then I thought, "hey, you're about to kill off your favourite character, and you could always write a sequel". So I didn't. And there's a large possibility I might continue this story with a sequel. Because I love Angst!Aburatsubo that much.


End file.
